A Drug Lord's House: How it would look on the MLS

Here in Westminster there are a lot of interesting houses. Some have stories, often relating to colonial era heroes, and maybe there are Underground Railroad tunnels from before the civil war. Our house, built in 1790 and known locally (and unfortunately) as the “Timothy Hoar House”, is a historic house—the Hoars were active in the abolitionist movement. We thought we’d found a part of the Underground Railroad under our basement—I found an overlooked trap door, climbed down in past the cobwebs, and rooted around in the crawl space. I came up with some antique looking bottles, coffee pots, and other paraphernalia, and thought I’d found remnants left by escaping slaves. We called the local historical society, and that lady climbed down in the same hole, emerging a few minutes later to let us know the bottles were liquor bottles, apparently left by the plumbers installing the first round of indoor plumbing.

The 1790 Timothy Hoar House

Now my wife has become a realtor, so I’m paying attention to houses again. Our area does have historic and interesting homes, but recently in Mexico, a few homes become available that are even more extraordinary, with a stranger history. They probably aren’t for sale, although the owners have generally settled elsewhere, usually in a Mexican jail. These are the homes of some of the drug lords in Mexico, and below are a few photos, with 'made up' MLS captions, as if these houses were for sale here.

Fake MLS Listing: A nice cottage getaway. Mature landscaping. Great for entertaining and spectacular views from all windows. This is the outside of a 'lesser' drug lord’s villa. I think we are losing the drug war.

Just a few days ago a Mr. Guzman, otherwise known as El Chapo, was captured by Mexican Marines teamed up with US DEA agents. El Chapo was the head of the Sinaloa drug cartel, the largest such entity in Mexico. The pictures below aren’t of his house or houses, but of a lesser drug lord captured about three years ago. Pictures of El Chapo’s many residences are not yet available. Incidentally, these pictures and many more are all over the Internet, at sites like Reddit.com and thechive.com.

Fake MLS Listing: Comes with its own ‘man cave’. This is an artificial cave/hot tub built under the house.

Fake MLS Listing: Bedrooms look like a billion dollars—actually several billion (the Internet says 22 billion, which is probably incorrect). There were multiple huge piles of hundred dollar bills scattered throughout the home, in briefcases, bedrooms, and closets. This bed doesn't look comfortable, but I think you could afford a better mattress.

Walk in closets. Plenty of storage (and money!)


Comes with a in ground pool and cabana. Great for those Sunday afternoon BBQs


Pets Welcome! This house had its own private zoo.

An Oriental touch--about a billion in Yen

Plenty of room to display your collections--These aren't from the Franklin Mint. These are just a small sample of the hundreds of guns on display, and yes, the gold guns are real gold.

There are plenty more photos out on the Internet of this particular abode. It makes you wonder about our drug policies.

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